Magical Faith

My darkest hour was losing you; I have relived that moment a thousand times, and with each passing thought, it is as if I have died inside all over again! How could this have happened? How could the one person that I love more than life itself decide one day that it was time to walk away? The day that you left, I lost my faith in the world and humanity, but worst of all, I lost my faith in us, I lost my faith in you, and I lost my faith in me, the day that you left me, you delivered unto me a blow that knocked the wind right out of me, a blow that crushed my spirit and diminished my feeling of security, for the first time in my life I felt helpless, I felt exposed to the world and its elements, I felt as scared as a child lost in the wilderness, a child whose only means of self-defense and survival had been taken away! You were supposed to love me; how can you leave me this way?

My heart screams in agony, and I know that it will surely burst, exploding from all of the pain and tears. Goddess, as darkness, takes the place of the day, my tears will surely fall faster than the rain on a stormy night; the nights are the hardest for me; when you and I were together, night-time was the favorite part of my day, because this was the time that you and I would come together melting into each other and becoming as one, together we would release all of our worries and our cares, we would get lost in one another's arms, these days it just seems as though I am lost and although I struggle trying to make sense of it all, I know that I may never be able to, for nothing about my life makes sense anymore!

I may never know all the reasons why. Why you left me? Why did our perfect life together fall apart? My mind races in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, the fear that I may never find another love that will hold me so secure as you did, Mother. What if this is it? Am I destined to spend the rest of my life in solitude? I am destined to be alone, oh Goddess. The thought of dying alone scares me to death; the idea of never knowing love again pierces my heart like a thousand blades slicing through my skin; what will I do? How will my life go when I cannot find my way, my way back home, my way back to me, my love? How could I ever expect you to return to me when I cannot even return to myself, Mother? Help me, please, for I am lost; a thousand barriers block my path. I am holding on as tight as I can to my lifeline, but I fear that I am drowning fast; help me, Goddess, lift me up and move me out of harm's way!

Oh, Mother, my pain is real; please tell me that I am not destined to walk the rest of the way alone! My path is filled with gloom, and I cannot release the thought of my one true love, a love that destroyed us, a love that ruined my world by leaving me behind; I hear from all of our friends that you have moved on, yet I am stuck like a dying gazelle in quicksand, I struggle to survive, I struggle so much in fact that at times I feel that it would be better to lay down and give up and succumb to the darkness, it may be easier to allow the self-pity in my heart to swallow me up!

These days, I am no stranger to anger, and I am certainly no stranger to self-abuse; Goddess, please help me, Mother. I used to be so together, I used to be so strong, but now those around me who once held me in high regard, the same individuals who looked at me in awe, cannot even look at me anymore; I have become so bitter and so heart-broken that I do not even recognize the one who looks back at me in the mirror and yet I long for my lover to return.

The shape that I am in today, the poor excuse of an individual that I have become, it is easy for me to understand why you would turn and run the other way, my love, when you see me coming for the first time today I realize that I have so much work to do before you. I can come back together; I must allow myself time to heal. I have to let go of the past. I have to stop taking full responsibility for the mess that you and I have made together, a collective mess indeed, but I must take responsibility for myself; I must embrace life once again and go on living, for if I do not, there will never be another chance for you and me, we will only end as a bittersweet memory and that is not how I wish for things to end.

I always thought that we would grow old together; maybe I was just delusional, maybe it was just not in the cards for you and me, maybe our love was just never meant to be, and maybe the answers that I seek are just as lost as I am, maybe they too are in a struggle trying to find their way back to me, I may never know, but I do know of one thing that I have not lost, and that is my love for you and the hope that one day we will once again embrace each other and that the clouds of darkness swirling overhead will diminish so that you and I can start anew! I know that the only way that this is going to happen is for me to believe; I must hold strong to the belief that you, too, are in a struggle, that you are lost, and that you are trying to find your way back to me and the love that we once shared!

Hear my words, child!

My child, whose questions are endless, spends so much time questioning your life and your magic that you have failed to realize that the answers you seek are always there! 

Your bitterness consumes you, and all of the anger and self-loathing that you feel will not get you anywhere—nowhere, that is. But alone, you have become so jaded that you have lost faith in the world, in yourself, and in your magic. And that my child is the worst thing that you could ever do! 

Magic requires faith, and although one may not believe in magic, the faith that I speak of is the faith that you should place within yourself! You cast your magic to the four winds, and instead of accepting and holding to the knowledge that the Universe will grant you a return on your magical investment, you constantly question it; you cry and moan and wonder why it takes so long to manifest your desires, the truth is that it is not the magic that requires so much time, but it is you my beautiful child who must take the time to heal, for if I instantly granted your request you would have learned nothing and besides if you do not put forth the effort to mend your broken heart, you will not be prepared for the lessons that are yet to come when your desires bear fruit and your lover returns.

So, go my child and take the time to heal, learn to live again and stop trying to force the flowers that is your life into blossoming, your roses will bloom when the time is right and you will have and hold all that you need to be complete and fulfilled!

Thank you, Mother, for always being there; your voice I can hear even when I turn a deaf ear to the rest of the world; your wisdom guides me to my still point, that point within which is quiet, the place where I can only go to be at one with myself, Goddess I will carry and embrace the knowledge that you have provided me with and I will stop questioning the integrity of my magic. Instead, I will believe in it, and I will live to move forward in my life and heal, and as I live, the one I love will slip back into my open arms!

Healing With Heart Affirmation!

I accept full responsibility for myself and my actions, acknowledge the blessings that the Universe has bestowed upon my life, and release my anger, sadness, and pain. From this moment forward, I will not waste valuable energy on negative behavior. I ask that my anger and sadness be channeled into love and happiness, and I ask that the Goddess bestow upon me. My heart desires her approval with a threefold kiss.

So mote it be. Blessed be, Phelan

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