My darkest hour was losing you, I have relived that moment a thousand times and with each passing thought it is as if I have died inside all over again! How could this have happened? How could the one person that I love more than life itself simply decide one day that it was time to walk away? The day that you left I lost my faith in the world and in humanity, but worst of all I lost my faith in us, I lost my faith in you and I lost my faith in me, the day that you left me, you delivered unto me a blow that knocked the wind right out of me, a blow that crushed my spirit and diminished my feeling of security, for the first time in my life I felt helpless, I felt exposed to the world and its elements, I felt as scared as a child lost in the wilderness, a child whose only means of self defense and survival had been taken away! You were supposed to love me, how can you go and leave me this way?
My heart screams in agony and I know that it will surely burst, exploding from all of the pain, tears, oh Goddess as darkness takes the place of day, my tears will surely fall faster than the rain on a stormy night, the nights are the hardest for me, before when you and I were together night-time was the favorite part of my day, because this was the time that you and I would come together melting into each other and becoming as one, together we would release all of our worries and our cares, we would get lost in one another's arms, these days it just seems as though I am lost and although I struggle trying to make sense of it all, I just know that I may never be able to, for nothing about my life makes sense anymore!
I may never know all the reasons, why? Why you left me? Why our perfect life together fell apart? My mind races in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, the fear that I may never find another love that will hold me so secure as you did, oh Mother what if this is really it, am I destine to spend the rest of my life in solitude? I am destine to be alone, oh Goddess the thought of dying alone scares me to death, the thought of never knowing love again pierces my heart like a thousand blades slicing through my skin, what will I do? How will my life go on when I cannot seem to find my way, my way back home, my way back to me, my love, how could I ever expect that you will come back to me, when I cannot even come back to myself, Mother help me please for I am lost, my path is blocked by a thousand barriers, I am holding on as tight as I can to my lifeline but I fear that I am drowning fast, help me Goddess, lift me up and move me out of harms way!
Oh Mother, my pain is real, please tell me that I am not destined to walk the rest of the way alone! My path is filled with gloom and I cannot release the thought of my one true love, a love that destroyed us, a love that destroyed my world by leaving me behind, I hear from all of our friends that you have moved on, yet I am stuck like a dying gazelle in quicksand, I struggle to survive, I struggle so much in fact that at times I feel that it would be better to lay down and give up and succumb to the darkness, it may be easier to allow the self-pity in my heart to swallow me up!
These days I am no stranger to anger and I am certainly no stranger to self abuse, oh Goddess please help me, Mother I used to be so together, I used to be so strong, but now those around me who once held me in high regard, the same individuals who looked at me in awe cannot even look at me anymore, I have become so bitter and so heart-broken that I do not even recognize the one who looks back at me in the mirror and yet I long for my lover to return.
The shape that I am in today, the poor excuse of an individual that I have become, it is easy for me to understand why you would turn and run the other way my love when you see me coming, for the first time today I realize that I have so much work to do before you and I can come back together, I have to allow myself time to heal and I have to let go of the past and I have to stop taking full responsibility for the mess that you and I have made together, a collective mess indeed, but I must take responsibility for me, I must embrace life once again and go on living, for if I do not there will never be another chance for you and me, we will only end as a bitter sweet memory and that is not how I wish for things to end.
I always thought that we would grow old together, maybe I was just delusional, maybe it was just not in the cards for you and me, maybe our love was just never meant to be and maybe the answers that I seek are just as lost as I am, maybe they too are in a struggle trying to find their way back to me, I may never know, but I do know of one thing that I have not lost and that is my love for you and the hope that one day we will once again embrace each other and that the clouds of darkness swirling overhead will diminish so that you and I can start anew! I know that the only way that this is going to happen is for me to believe, I must hold strong to the belief that you too are in a struggle and that you are lost and that you are trying to find your way back to me and the love that we once shared!
Hear my words child!
My child, ye whose questions are endless, you spend so much time
questioning your life and your magic that you have failed to realize
that the answers that you seek were there all of the time!
Your bitterness consumes you and all of the anger and self-loathing
that you feel will not get you anywhere, nowhere that is, but alone,
you have become so jaded that you have lost faith in the world, you
have lost faith in yourself and you have lost faith in your magic and
that my child is the worst thing that you could ever do!
Magic requires faith and although one may not believe in magic, the faith that I speak of is the faith that you should place within yourself! You cast your magic to the four winds and instead of accepting and holding to the knowledge that the Universe will grant you a return on your magical investment, you constantly question it, you cry and moan and wonder why it takes so long to manifest your desires, the truth is that it is not the magic that requires so much time, but it is you my beautiful child who must take the time to heal, for if I instantly granted your request you would have learned nothing and besides if you do not put forth the effort to mend your broken heart, you will not be prepared for the lessons that are yet to come when your desires bear fruit and your lover returns.
So, go my child and take the time to heal, learn to live again and stop trying to force the flowers that is your life into blossoming, your roses will bloom when the time is right and you will have and hold all that you need to be complete and fulfilled!
Thank you Mother for always being there, your voice I can hear even when I turn a deaf ear to the rest of the world, your wisdom guides me to my still point, that point within which is quiet, the place where I can only go to be at one with myself, Goddess I will carry and embrace the knowledge that you have provided me with and I will stop questioning the integrity of my magic, instead I will believe in it and I live to move forward in my life and to heal and as I live the one that I love will slip back into my open arms!
Healing With Heart Affirmation!
I accept full responsibility for myself and my actions, I acknowledge the blessings that the Universe has bestowed upon my life, I release my anger, I release my sadness, I release my pain and from this moment forward I will not waste valuable energy on negative behavior, I ask that my anger and sadness instead be channeled into love and happiness and I ask that the Goddess bestow upon me and my hearts desire her approval with a threefold kiss.
So mote it be.